Wednesday, November 29, 2006

9:50pm on wednesday

wanting to create, but not within the limits I am given. have so much to just expell, without a suitable canvas. so do i resort to grafitti? street art? but i fear it will become a political statement, and in truth its just overflow of the canvas of my life, without anywhere else to go. and with our world what it is, how can creative overflow be so bad. stuck up white cinder block folk suck. but thats besides the point. i can see it, i can hear it, smell it and even taste it, but i just cant make it. no materials, no time, no freedom, but what is keeping me? who is keeping me, cause I certainly am not. doctors? friends? I dunno. i hope so. i miss me. i wonder when i am coming back...

Friday, October 20, 2006

BC III - sounds about right

Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now,
'Cause you and I were never meant to meet.
I think you'd better leave.
It's not safe in here.
I feel a weakness coming on.


Alright then, (alright then.)
I could keep your number for a rainy day.
That's where this ends.
No mistakes no misbehaving.
I was doing so well.
Could we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on.


It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.


Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now.
You're as close as it gets
Without touching me.
Oh now don't make it harder
Than it already is.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.


Big trouble losing control.
Primary resistance at a critical low.
on the, on the double gotta get a hold.
Point of no return one second to go.


No response on any level,
Red-alert this vessel's under seige.
Total overload all systems down they've got control.
There's no way out.
We are surrounded.
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it.


Freeze or make it forever.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this,
Not what I planned at all.
I don’t want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it’s not meant to be like this,
It's just what I don't need.
Why make me feel like this?
It's definitely all your fault.


Feel like this la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault.

- imogen heap

perfect encapsulation...

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Soundtrack

Praise Chorus

Are you gonna live your life wonderin’ standing in the back lookin’ around?
Are you gonna waste your time thinkin' how you’ve grown up or how you missed out?
Things are never gonna be the way you want.
Where's it gonna get you acting serious?
Things are never gonna be quite what you want.
Or even at 25, you gotta start sometime.
I’m on my feet, I’m on the floor, I’m good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love tonight.
Are you gonna live your life standing in the back looking around?
Are you gonna waste your time?
Gotta make a move or you'll miss out.
Someone's gonna ask you what it’s all about.
Stick around nostalgia won't let you down.
Someone's gonna ask you what it’s all about.
Whatcha gonna have to say for yourself?
I’m on my feet, I’m on the floor, I’m good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love tonight.
Crimson and clover, over and over.
Crimson and clover, over and over.
Our house in the middle of the street, why did we ever meet?
Started my rock 'n roll fantasy.
Don't don't, don't let's start, why did we ever part?
Kick start my rock 'n rollen heart.
I’m on my feet, I’m on the floor, I’m good to go.
So come on Davey, sing me somethin’ that I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love tonight.
Here tonight.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine
I wanna fall in love tonight.

Friday, October 13, 2006

New Season

And now the leaves change, just as you and I do; at the end of one is the beginning of another.

Autumn in New England, soccer in the cold, and coffee shops with daft punk. This is the time. Sit back, and let go and just watch the world unfold. Perhaps that is what I have been missing. Today's Spanish Latte shoved me into the Lazy Boy!

Pumpkins and gourds, leaves, deep colors, and all the smells and foods. Apples and cider, pumpkin spice, and pie. Fireplaces burning and crackling, and the breathable crisp air. Clearer than noxema skin.

Paint, draw, compose, sing. Walk, share, learn, love.

Today I feel like the impressionists finally stopped trying to construct everything perfectly within their forced palet and just let a little Pollock in. Let's all splatter paint today ;-)

Saturday, July 08, 2006

irish

So there it is...

a pull where you never thoughtyou'd be pulled to
a thrill where you thought there was neutrality
a ache when you walk away that you cant rationalize away
and a sneaky smile when you least expect it during the day
with dependency that catches you off guard at night

I like someone
I actually, for the first time in my life, can say that I really do like someone

I have loved before, and that came so easily, it started with love
I am not scared of that L word, but this one is foreign to me
I like a person.
Like them more than a friend
Like to think of them during the day
Like when they are thinking of me
Like to see them smile
Like to remember how they smell
Smile and blush when they say the same about me

"It's foreign on this side, but it feels like I'm home again. There's no place to hide, but I dont think I'm scared."

"take her or leave her, she will still be the same
nothings the same, as you will see when she's gone.
you dream of colors that have never been made
only the curious have something to find
reasons few have vied to go back again
entrance is crucial and its not without pain
theres no path to follow but youre here
climb up the slide and then you'll slide down the stairs"


But I was and everyonce in a while it creeps in again. that fear.
old fears, worn fears, that still hold their power. But put it in the light, talk about it, and tell him about it, and then it wont be so scary anymore...

he wont fall asleep while we are talking
he wont push the boundaries
he wont label us and expect
he wont stand me up

and he looks foward to walking me home until 6 in the morning

I knew there were diamonds in the rough, but I never thought I'd find a pearl...


now I just have to fight the impulse to rush to the finish line and enjoy the ride for once.
stop thinking about the end at the beginning
love it while I live it
and let that be enough

I've been told that I finally sound like I am alive again after over a year of sounding dead.

it's nice to join the living...


"its just a little bit hard letting them in
I hide in the spotlight its- a great disguise
I guess the rest is mine
the beauty and the mess..."

"its been a long time coming"

"I'm holding my heart out
but clutching it too
playing it raw with nerves left exposed"

"we get distracted by dreams of our own
but nobady's happy being alone

its hard not to wander away..."

my third grade daVinci

a third grader from the Heath school in Brookline wrote this poem and it was in the literary magazine...

powerful


My Friend Kia
by Yonatan Shavit 3F

Let me introduce you to my friend Kia.
He has silky brown hair,
Dark brown eyes
We are the trouble duo.
We'll fry the land
Burn the sky.
My friend is fire,
I am the spark,
We burn, burn, away.

me

come off it, will you?!
cause it is not happening this time.
I know you like your old shoes,
your comfortable spaces and your well-worn nook in my emotions-
but I've cleaned house.
Recycled, polished, varnished and
moved all the furniture.
I like this space.
I like my life arrangement
my feng shui-ed existance.
There is flow and rythym.
an inviting jazz riff.
a spontaneous break dance
air to breathe and time to fill - for me.
And I'm not giving me up this time.
I'm attached. I'm involved.
I am committed.

So back off - repsectfully.
And mind your manners as a guest.
Cause this house is my dream home
I will probably give you a key
And one day you might even move in.
But redefinition is forever emminent.
And I will always honor my redecorating whims.
My comfort is my priority -

relationship with myself

I wouldn't say that I am scared, or unerved by them, but relationships are getting more difficult to understand as each day goes by.
Why do we get ourselves into them? My parents live a very happy and healthy marriage, yet they piss each other off, they bother each other all the time, and they disappoint each other. Now, my thought here is, I already have plenty of people n my life who bother me, and disappoint me, why do I need another person who means alot more to me doing all these same things. Becuase now, its a higher scale of pain or disaapointment and let down. I dont know why people do it. And when these moments happen in marriages or relationships, wshy cant we just say the thing that our partner needs to hear? What gets in the way. If they need to believe in Santa CLause for a minute, let them. Dont burst their bubble immediatly with reminders of the harsh reality of the world. And if you are trying to protect them, give them more credit, THey know the world sucks, they just want a minute or two to pretend it doesnt. Why is it our loved ones are the ones that always drag us back to reality?

I dont need someone to fight with, or someone to let me down. And I am beginning to realize that even in the best relationships, it happens. So I think I'm better off leaving that plate untouched at the moment and relying on myself. Afterall, each person in these relationships would turn inevitably to themselves when their partner pised them off or disappointed them. ANd in my mind, to have a partner is to have found someone for you to turn to and can depend on right? SO I guess, if the purpose of the relationship is to have someone there for you, and they're not... whats all of it for? Whats the point? marriage doesnt look all that glamorous when you can't even tell the other person that you love them despite how you are both acting.

Yes, I know my expectations are high- my standards are quite elite-. I will not find a man who will never dissapoint me. I will never find a man who wont let me down. And there isnt a relationship in the world that exists without fights, but to tell you the truth, I can't bring myself to lower the bar. I may end up alone, but I just cant do it.

So I guess I better start treating myself damn well, becuase I have some high standards to meet for myself. And you know what - ? I am so worth it.

freeing self

I went through my past writings on my computer, and have decided to place a number of them on this blog. They are all varied emotions and reflections from different times. Feel free to read...


freeing self...

i made a note to wrtie about freeing myself...

in the moment I know what i was thinking about was grand, but now its faded...

ha! " I wish my muse didn't fade with fair weather praise..." truth
i need to free myself i have chained myself to pain and regret and isolation. i literally brought myself over and hour away from anyone who means anything to me... what did I do with this year? I give myself time to heal, or fix, and I dont do it. i hold onto the scabs and pick them open... never get the chance, or try to put some medicine on it and let it sit.

damn,,,

i am finally beginning to fall in love with myself and am damn disappoointed it isnt enough. me and God do a great job, but its still hard. i hate feeling melodramatic

its very clear that ben, tom and joey are not him. they are grand and great men, but not mine.
and meanwhile the one who wants nothing more than to be mine is 250 miles away.
and I'm 250 miles away from the one who threatens my life.

the desires of my heart are to make him something that he is not


he let me go
why cant i let me go
its not about freeing him or us
its now all about freeing me
all me

Monday, May 01, 2006

and release...

http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/africa/05/01/darfur.extension.reut/index.html

for a good long while I have been completely wrapped up in the situation in Sudan. its one of those things that once you get your mind around it, you cant honestly believe it all. You try to write letters to politicians and newspapers, and you try telling others about it. You even organize film viewings and benefit concerts. And when it really gets to you, you hop on a plane and start knocking on doors in Washington until someone does something. and then following, every moment of inaction weighs like a tons of bricks on your heart, and you wish you could leave your work, your school and all responsibilities to spend all your time where you feel you have to be.

today, i had a beautiful feeling. instead of being caught up in the mess and consumed by it, I finally realized that the people who actually can do something about all of this actually are! they are changing UN rulings and forcing peace negotiations. politicians all over have Darfur on their agenda. and even more youth are finding out about Sudan by going to concerts where musicians wear shirts that say Save Darfur, and write songs about Sudan.

People are getting the picture. People are marching in Washington. and all of a sudden, I felt I could release it. The weight flew off because it was being shared by thousands others. My inaction ( or rather, action in work and school) is not cloaked in guilt anymore as it was. I have done my part. And yes, the passion for the people remains, always will. I will attend meetings and concerts, and when time permits, hang out with some more lawmakers, but there are many many more sharing the work, and from here on out, its all looking up.

::sigh:: so now, I r e l e a s e . . .



for anyone else who cares to join the troops... savedarfur.org

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Happy Anniversary Love

April 19th. One Year.

Today there will no musings on the past year spent
There will be no reflections on ground covered, or lost
And no mention of -

Today is new.

And today is mine.

Today she came back. She saw me for the first time in a year.
And she smiled as she cried.

And now its our time. Today, tomorrow...
The world is our big, fat, overflowing bushel of fresh cherries, or lomein...
(we don't like oysters)

So say a prayer of love
or joy
or just contentment
and send it with a smile in the wind

we'll get it - boston's windy




to us
today
to me
><>

Sunday, March 26, 2006

you wanna know how I really feel?

**warning** the below entry is rated R due to adult language and subject matter. I do not recommend reading on is you are uncomfortable with cursing or drugs. Recent awful events in my life have been caused by drugs and alcohol and after one more event piled on top, I had to vent my thoughts. I guess I needed to give drugs a swift kick where it hurts- verbally.



what the fuck!

something is seriously wrong with this whole picture. it aint right it just pain and fucking simple aint right
now dont get me wrong, i love chemistry and biology and all the sciences, but they are not supposed to kick you in the ass
why the hell were we made with nicotine receptors for example? and why does this stuff mess with our brains no- no- not our brains- out whole fucking life! everything - it takes away every ounce of common sense we once had. no street smarts, no book smarts, and god knows, no people smarts. you dont know how to treat friends, you lose the ability to even understand what the word friend means- and family- shit- not even on the radar- unless that is, they are your dough. and then - the worst thing about it, is you depend on them- but not like a normal human being- you hate them. and you depend on that hate, because they fuel your habit- but you hate that they do and hate that they dont know, or hate that they do and dont do anything about it- and hate yourself for letting it all happen- or hate yourself for not stopping it.

but how do you stop fucking yourself up

how do you do it
i cant even count on one hand anymore how many people have died trying to figure that out- died. done. gone.
and everyone is fucking up everyone else around them so they dont look like they're so fucked up themselves. its the only way to wake up in the morning, if you level the paying field. but you cant sleep at night. you cant even feel comfortable in your own skin anymore cause you are fucking up peoples lives- you are stealing from them- you're taking a beautiful thing and saying, well, i messed up mine- so you cant have yours either. so fuck me

this is not a storybook- or a fairy tale- there is no happy ending. and whats worse is there is no resigned sad ending either- because there is no fucking ending.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

ps

and it still sucks Jamie

musical musings

within most every second of the day my body and mind are bombarded by thousands of sensations and stimulation of the good and bad. it has recently hit me that that same phenomenom applies to my heart- my soul.

its not that I wish to spend hours musing on the complexities of all this, or the immense simplicity- just needed to say it out loud. sometimes you have to do that.

your mind knows that you grow up, and your reflection tells the same story, but its hard to convince your heart that it has moved on, when everything that it is encountering has held residency some 6 years earlier.

and i am also baffled by the unproportionate years of life that we spend here. Simply put, we spend about 1/8 of our lives as children and the remaining 7/8 as adults. Who came up with that? Explain it.

And what does one do when they are daily tormented by the wanderlust to get up and get out and the utter longing to finally feel at home?

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Dance...

Dance when you're broken apart
Dance if you've torn the bandage off
Dance in the middle of the fighting

Dance in your blood

Dance when you're perfectly free

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Broken Mirror

There are pieces of me
My goodness within
They are scattered, they are shattered and windblown
But I'm going to find me

Are you expecting the world
I can't even give you an island
Perhaps I am overthinking you
And all you want are the desires of my heart

Its time to stop
Carrying other people's burdens
Their hurt, their grief, their pain
Its time you let me care for you

Friday, March 03, 2006

Say cheese... please

You never smiled in my pictures.


I am so tempted to just leave this post as is, with just that one line, because I feel that is all I need to say. But for those who may actually read, I suppose I owe a thought or two to make it worth your while. And besides... I don't need to worry about you reading this and feeling exposed, you probably don't even know I have a blog.

I recently had the honest pleasure of speaking with you on the phone a week or so ago. It was the first time we had a conversation that didn't sit of the fence of being superficial and painfully truthful in over 6 months. It was actually beautiful. So, I have been thinking of you on and off, a bit more than before, but in a grateful way. With gratitude for our friendship. And in gratitude that neither of us let ourselves get in the way of that. And dont get me wrong, we still have a long way to go in moving out of our own way, but it was a giant skip foward.

When I find myself in these moments of nostalgia and quiet joy, it naturally comes across my mind once or twice how we didn't quite become what we wanted so badly to be. Everything to each other. And a complete inability to grasp how such a forceful will and heart-strong desire could not be enough to make it work.

It was in one of these moments that I pulled out a few DVDs, in amongst which I had stashed your photo album. It fell out as if on cue, and I looked at you. And then I smiled to myself. You didn't.

You never did. You would hardly ever let a picture be taken, let alone smile in it. After almost five years, I can still carry every photo of you that I own in a 10 page photo album. And half of the photos are of your apartment. And I just needed to let you know.

You can take it as an explanation, or as a complaint, or anything you need it to be. Because it is everything I need it to be. Its sad, its angry, its humorous, its mournful, its sarcastic, its me. It was always me begging you from the other side of the lense...

say cheese - please

Sunday, January 08, 2006

. . .

it goes without saying that when someone dies it generally sucks. There are of course varying degrees of suckiness, depending on who you are to that person, or more so, who they were to you. but it has become my opinion that what sucks about death is sometimes not the death, but rather, what our world expects of us afterwards.

solemn faces and clothes. tears at the mention of their name. inability to be happy. depression. the need for friends and family to carry us through.
... and peace after time.

for some there is always peace
for some there is never peace
for most there is a little of both

JD was beautiful. Always will be. And I do miss him.
But there are no tears. And on most levels I am happy.
Yet everytime I hear his name, see his picture, or think of him I feel awful...
Because I feel as if I am not sad enough, not broken up enough by the world's standards.
I want to tell my friends and family that he died, but not for sympathy for me-
rather, sympathy for themselves that they will never know him. or for his wife and his children, that they will no longer sit down to dinner with him, or go on vacation with him.
Or just sympathy for the world. Because it has lost quite a man, and because it is so wrapped up in expectations of pain that is it missing out on the love.

So instead of calling all my friends and telling them, I will just think fondly of him whenever he comes to mind and send a smile and a soft hello upwards from time to time.

He knows that he is missed


he can see the hole in our hearts