you wanna know how I really feel?

**warning** the below entry is rated R due to adult language and subject matter. I do not recommend reading on is you are uncomfortable with cursing or drugs. Recent awful events in my life have been caused by drugs and alcohol and after one more event piled on top, I had to vent my thoughts. I guess I needed to give drugs a swift kick where it hurts- verbally.



what the fuck!

something is seriously wrong with this whole picture. it aint right it just pain and fucking simple aint right
now dont get me wrong, i love chemistry and biology and all the sciences, but they are not supposed to kick you in the ass
why the hell were we made with nicotine receptors for example? and why does this stuff mess with our brains no- no- not our brains- out whole fucking life! everything - it takes away every ounce of common sense we once had. no street smarts, no book smarts, and god knows, no people smarts. you dont know how to treat friends, you lose the ability to even understand what the word friend means- and family- shit- not even on the radar- unless that is, they are your dough. and then - the worst thing about it, is you depend on them- but not like a normal human being- you hate them. and you depend on that hate, because they fuel your habit- but you hate that they do and hate that they dont know, or hate that they do and dont do anything about it- and hate yourself for letting it all happen- or hate yourself for not stopping it.

but how do you stop fucking yourself up

how do you do it
i cant even count on one hand anymore how many people have died trying to figure that out- died. done. gone.
and everyone is fucking up everyone else around them so they dont look like they're so fucked up themselves. its the only way to wake up in the morning, if you level the paying field. but you cant sleep at night. you cant even feel comfortable in your own skin anymore cause you are fucking up peoples lives- you are stealing from them- you're taking a beautiful thing and saying, well, i messed up mine- so you cant have yours either. so fuck me

this is not a storybook- or a fairy tale- there is no happy ending. and whats worse is there is no resigned sad ending either- because there is no fucking ending.