Friday, January 02, 2009


The concept of home as pondered by a very talented writer who I quite enjoyed reading. I hope you enjoy as well.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Time to try again...

...posting, that is.

Not a long one, although it has been so long, I could get quite lengthy. No- just to the point.

Today I learned that friends of mine recently got married- I mean, like this weekend or something. And I didn't even know about it! Ack! I knew they were engaged, but I thought it was a little further off.

And I was shocked- cause it happened so fast- they were so sure. They are so young. And yet, there is all is. Said and done. And there are more weddings coming down the line. Four more alone that I know of this summer... and thats just people I know closely. All younger than me- save one- (same age).

It is totally throwing me. All this certainty. I am not even certain I want to be who I am, working where I am, living where I am, speaking the language I am, knowing who I do. I enjoy it all yes, and they are all good decisions, but gosh! Could I make any of those decisions for life?? I don't think so. At least not today.

I am certain of one thing. I love God. And yet, the one thing I am certain of, I screw up all the time. Some days I choose to be a bit more certain of it than others. Some days it directs my actions, other days I push it to the back. How can I be certain of anything else, when the one thing I am always certain of is never eliciting constant effort from me? Thank God HE is a benevolent God, or this relationship would have ended on date three. How can I subject another person to that tumultuous up and down? How do others choose to do so and not vomit just thinking about it or find themselves in a car driving 2,000 miles in the opposite direction?

It is so damn scary.

I used to think I would be getting closer the older I got... I just turned 25 and I feel further away than I ever have been.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

dizzying day- but perfectly where I need to be

So, I took off the ring. You know the one. The famous Irish claddagh ring. It was too much pressure, and I can't live my life like that. Always a poster for the world, either, don't look at me, or please, please stare! It wasn't working. Depending on who I saw I wanted to take it off to not answer questions, or with others, to take it off, so they would talk to me, and others so they wouldn't.

It has been eight years since I have been single and happy for any length of time. yes, eight. I just realized that today. And what reminded me, was a call from a rather attractive man who acquired my number last week.
... and how utterly wrong it was.

No, he is not married, or taken in any way, and he wasn't disrespectful. Actually, according to the world, he was wonderful. But see, thats the catch- the world. That's who I am looking to for approval. Our world. What made their approval IT? The end all be all of what's good for your life or bad. I thought I was so past this, and apparently I am sitting here in the fray, anywhere but far from it.

So it was time for a little wake up. Sure, I could have this man in my life, and be entertained for some time, but what would that do? You might say nothing, but the answer is actually very different. Sadly, if I was to occupy my time with this man, then thats it. Just as I said, I am occupying my time with this one man whom I already said would be purely entertainment. How do we not connect our own dots? I sit here, and in church, and on the T, and in the car, everywhere, and pray and dream of the forever man that God has created and prepared for my heart, and still I look to fill every moment with someone else- just to avoid--- what?

being alone? being with myself? actually letting Him in? letting Him let him in? geeze, i suppose its option E- all the above.

But you know the irony... I love all of it. I love when I am alone, with myself, or with Him. And I love just thinking of the day I know that I've met my match. So, its time to stop denying myself the pleasures I was actually made for. Yes, I was not made for makeup, fancy clothes, random dating, or alcohol ( well, maybe Guiness), but for pure joy found in the every moment of my life. Yes, the every moment. I think that's going to be my mantra- hmm...

colors? colors... right, the colors of the moment, my every moment... today they are swirling like marbled watercolors in a bubble surrounding me, and I can just look up and see them----

Fun facts about me- and oh so true!!!

What Your Soul Really Looks Like
You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life.You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds.You believe that people see you for how you are, not how you look. But deep down, you know that's not exactly true.Your near future is all about change, but in very small steps. The end of the journey looks far, but it's much closer than you realize.For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.
Inside the Room of Your Soul

You Belong in London
You belong in London, but you belong in many cities... Hong Kong, San Francisco, Sidney. You fit in almost anywhere.And London is diverse and international enough to satisfy many of your tastes. From curry to Shakespeare, London (almost) has it all!
What European City Do You Belong In?

You Should Date A Swede!
You're a romantic, albeit an understated and practical one.It's more about a steady partnership for you, not unrestrained fallingYour Swede will give you the unwavering love you craveWhile making up some mean pancakes and meatballs on the side!
Which Foreign Guy Should You Date?

Sunday, February 25, 2007

february road trip

one step closer to the sea wall looking down, you can seeall hold my hand so you dont fall catch your breath as the gulls call one heart out of two one life me and you last mile in the pale light take me home with you tonight well touch til it feels right you wont say "love" but i might heart out of two one life, me and you made love and you muttered "we're through" one heart, but mind was in two one heart half filled with the dreams of a saint, the other filled with nothing but hate i hope i die in the arms of a child in a meadow where the thistles grow wild..

Friday, February 16, 2007


The glory of God is man fully alive.
-St Irenaeus

To me, every hour of light and dark is a miracle, every inch of space is a miracle.
- Walt Whitman

If I had only...forgotten future greatness and looked at the green things and the buildings and reached out to those around me and smelled the air
and ignored the forms and the self-styled obligations and heard the rain on my roof and put my arms around my wife... perhaps it's not too late.
- Hugh Prather

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Soundtrack of the season

I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything gotta change around me
I'd tell it to your face
But you lost your face along the way
And I'd say it on the phone
If I thought you were alone
Why do things have to change
But you don't need my pictures on your wall
You say you need no one
And you don't need my secret midnight call
I guess you need no one
Is anybody waiting at home for you
Cause it's time that will tell if it's heaven if it's hell or if it's
Anybody waiting at home for you
Cause it's time that will tell this tale
You're in and out up and down
Wonder if you're lost or found
But I got my hands on you
Are you strong enough to tow the line
Are you gonna make me yours
Or do I make you mine
I'm in and out I'm up and down
Wonder if I'm lost or found
But I need your hands on me now
But you don't need my pictures on your wall
You say you need no one
And you don't need my secret midnight call
I guess you need no one
Is anybody waiting at home for you
Cause it's time that will tell if it's heaven if it's hell or if it's
Anybody waiting at home for you
Cause it's time that will tell this tale
I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything gotta change

"Move boldly, for there is a hand above that will guide you."

Proverbs: 3:5-6


Wednesday, November 29, 2006

9:50pm on wednesday

wanting to create, but not within the limits I am given. have so much to just expell, without a suitable canvas. so do i resort to grafitti? street art? but i fear it will become a political statement, and in truth its just overflow of the canvas of my life, without anywhere else to go. and with our world what it is, how can creative overflow be so bad. stuck up white cinder block folk suck. but thats besides the point. i can see it, i can hear it, smell it and even taste it, but i just cant make it. no materials, no time, no freedom, but what is keeping me? who is keeping me, cause I certainly am not. doctors? friends? I dunno. i hope so. i miss me. i wonder when i am coming back...