dizzying day- but perfectly where I need to be

So, I took off the ring. You know the one. The famous Irish claddagh ring. It was too much pressure, and I can't live my life like that. Always a poster for the world, either, don't look at me, or please, please stare! It wasn't working. Depending on who I saw I wanted to take it off to not answer questions, or with others, to take it off, so they would talk to me, and others so they wouldn't.

It has been eight years since I have been single and happy for any length of time. yes, eight. I just realized that today. And what reminded me, was a call from a rather attractive man who acquired my number last week.
... and how utterly wrong it was.

No, he is not married, or taken in any way, and he wasn't disrespectful. Actually, according to the world, he was wonderful. But see, thats the catch- the world. That's who I am looking to for approval. Our world. What made their approval IT? The end all be all of what's good for your life or bad. I thought I was so past this, and apparently I am sitting here in the fray, anywhere but far from it.

So it was time for a little wake up. Sure, I could have this man in my life, and be entertained for some time, but what would that do? You might say nothing, but the answer is actually very different. Sadly, if I was to occupy my time with this man, then thats it. Just as I said, I am occupying my time with this one man whom I already said would be purely entertainment. How do we not connect our own dots? I sit here, and in church, and on the T, and in the car, everywhere, and pray and dream of the forever man that God has created and prepared for my heart, and still I look to fill every moment with someone else- just to avoid--- what?

being alone? being with myself? actually letting Him in? letting Him let him in? geeze, i suppose its option E- all the above.

But you know the irony... I love all of it. I love when I am alone, with myself, or with Him. And I love just thinking of the day I know that I've met my match. So, its time to stop denying myself the pleasures I was actually made for. Yes, I was not made for makeup, fancy clothes, random dating, or alcohol ( well, maybe Guiness), but for pure joy found in the every moment of my life. Yes, the every moment. I think that's going to be my mantra- hmm...

colors? colors... right, the colors of the moment, my every moment... today they are swirling like marbled watercolors in a bubble surrounding me, and I can just look up and see them----