Monday, May 12, 2008

Time to try again...

...posting, that is.

Not a long one, although it has been so long, I could get quite lengthy. No- just to the point.

Today I learned that friends of mine recently got married- I mean, like this weekend or something. And I didn't even know about it! Ack! I knew they were engaged, but I thought it was a little further off.

And I was shocked- cause it happened so fast- they were so sure. They are so young. And yet, there is all is. Said and done. And there are more weddings coming down the line. Four more alone that I know of this summer... and thats just people I know closely. All younger than me- save one- (same age).

It is totally throwing me. All this certainty. I am not even certain I want to be who I am, working where I am, living where I am, speaking the language I am, knowing who I do. I enjoy it all yes, and they are all good decisions, but gosh! Could I make any of those decisions for life?? I don't think so. At least not today.

I am certain of one thing. I love God. And yet, the one thing I am certain of, I screw up all the time. Some days I choose to be a bit more certain of it than others. Some days it directs my actions, other days I push it to the back. How can I be certain of anything else, when the one thing I am always certain of is never eliciting constant effort from me? Thank God HE is a benevolent God, or this relationship would have ended on date three. How can I subject another person to that tumultuous up and down? How do others choose to do so and not vomit just thinking about it or find themselves in a car driving 2,000 miles in the opposite direction?


It is so damn scary.


I used to think I would be getting closer the older I got... I just turned 25 and I feel further away than I ever have been.

1 comment:

Curious Li said...

i don't know if this is depressing or comforting but it doesn't get any easier after you are married. :)

i am very much *not* in the camp of those that think everyone "when you find the right person you will just know" it certainly has worked for a lot of people but not me. but for me anyway there eventually was an intersection of the right person and the right place in my life where it becomes worth the risks.

have as much fun as you can with the process tho.