irish

So there it is...

a pull where you never thoughtyou'd be pulled to
a thrill where you thought there was neutrality
a ache when you walk away that you cant rationalize away
and a sneaky smile when you least expect it during the day
with dependency that catches you off guard at night

I like someone
I actually, for the first time in my life, can say that I really do like someone

I have loved before, and that came so easily, it started with love
I am not scared of that L word, but this one is foreign to me
I like a person.
Like them more than a friend
Like to think of them during the day
Like when they are thinking of me
Like to see them smile
Like to remember how they smell
Smile and blush when they say the same about me

"It's foreign on this side, but it feels like I'm home again. There's no place to hide, but I dont think I'm scared."

"take her or leave her, she will still be the same
nothings the same, as you will see when she's gone.
you dream of colors that have never been made
only the curious have something to find
reasons few have vied to go back again
entrance is crucial and its not without pain
theres no path to follow but youre here
climb up the slide and then you'll slide down the stairs"


But I was and everyonce in a while it creeps in again. that fear.
old fears, worn fears, that still hold their power. But put it in the light, talk about it, and tell him about it, and then it wont be so scary anymore...

he wont fall asleep while we are talking
he wont push the boundaries
he wont label us and expect
he wont stand me up

and he looks foward to walking me home until 6 in the morning

I knew there were diamonds in the rough, but I never thought I'd find a pearl...


now I just have to fight the impulse to rush to the finish line and enjoy the ride for once.
stop thinking about the end at the beginning
love it while I live it
and let that be enough

I've been told that I finally sound like I am alive again after over a year of sounding dead.

it's nice to join the living...


"its just a little bit hard letting them in
I hide in the spotlight its- a great disguise
I guess the rest is mine
the beauty and the mess..."

"its been a long time coming"

"I'm holding my heart out
but clutching it too
playing it raw with nerves left exposed"

"we get distracted by dreams of our own
but nobady's happy being alone

its hard not to wander away..."

my third grade daVinci

a third grader from the Heath school in Brookline wrote this poem and it was in the literary magazine...

powerful


My Friend Kia
by Yonatan Shavit 3F

Let me introduce you to my friend Kia.
He has silky brown hair,
Dark brown eyes
We are the trouble duo.
We'll fry the land
Burn the sky.
My friend is fire,
I am the spark,
We burn, burn, away.

me

come off it, will you?!
cause it is not happening this time.
I know you like your old shoes,
your comfortable spaces and your well-worn nook in my emotions-
but I've cleaned house.
Recycled, polished, varnished and
moved all the furniture.
I like this space.
I like my life arrangement
my feng shui-ed existance.
There is flow and rythym.
an inviting jazz riff.
a spontaneous break dance
air to breathe and time to fill - for me.
And I'm not giving me up this time.
I'm attached. I'm involved.
I am committed.

So back off - repsectfully.
And mind your manners as a guest.
Cause this house is my dream home
I will probably give you a key
And one day you might even move in.
But redefinition is forever emminent.
And I will always honor my redecorating whims.
My comfort is my priority -

relationship with myself

I wouldn't say that I am scared, or unerved by them, but relationships are getting more difficult to understand as each day goes by.
Why do we get ourselves into them? My parents live a very happy and healthy marriage, yet they piss each other off, they bother each other all the time, and they disappoint each other. Now, my thought here is, I already have plenty of people n my life who bother me, and disappoint me, why do I need another person who means alot more to me doing all these same things. Becuase now, its a higher scale of pain or disaapointment and let down. I dont know why people do it. And when these moments happen in marriages or relationships, wshy cant we just say the thing that our partner needs to hear? What gets in the way. If they need to believe in Santa CLause for a minute, let them. Dont burst their bubble immediatly with reminders of the harsh reality of the world. And if you are trying to protect them, give them more credit, THey know the world sucks, they just want a minute or two to pretend it doesnt. Why is it our loved ones are the ones that always drag us back to reality?

I dont need someone to fight with, or someone to let me down. And I am beginning to realize that even in the best relationships, it happens. So I think I'm better off leaving that plate untouched at the moment and relying on myself. Afterall, each person in these relationships would turn inevitably to themselves when their partner pised them off or disappointed them. ANd in my mind, to have a partner is to have found someone for you to turn to and can depend on right? SO I guess, if the purpose of the relationship is to have someone there for you, and they're not... whats all of it for? Whats the point? marriage doesnt look all that glamorous when you can't even tell the other person that you love them despite how you are both acting.

Yes, I know my expectations are high- my standards are quite elite-. I will not find a man who will never dissapoint me. I will never find a man who wont let me down. And there isnt a relationship in the world that exists without fights, but to tell you the truth, I can't bring myself to lower the bar. I may end up alone, but I just cant do it.

So I guess I better start treating myself damn well, becuase I have some high standards to meet for myself. And you know what - ? I am so worth it.

freeing self

I went through my past writings on my computer, and have decided to place a number of them on this blog. They are all varied emotions and reflections from different times. Feel free to read...


freeing self...

i made a note to wrtie about freeing myself...

in the moment I know what i was thinking about was grand, but now its faded...

ha! " I wish my muse didn't fade with fair weather praise..." truth
i need to free myself i have chained myself to pain and regret and isolation. i literally brought myself over and hour away from anyone who means anything to me... what did I do with this year? I give myself time to heal, or fix, and I dont do it. i hold onto the scabs and pick them open... never get the chance, or try to put some medicine on it and let it sit.

damn,,,

i am finally beginning to fall in love with myself and am damn disappoointed it isnt enough. me and God do a great job, but its still hard. i hate feeling melodramatic

its very clear that ben, tom and joey are not him. they are grand and great men, but not mine.
and meanwhile the one who wants nothing more than to be mine is 250 miles away.
and I'm 250 miles away from the one who threatens my life.

the desires of my heart are to make him something that he is not


he let me go
why cant i let me go
its not about freeing him or us
its now all about freeing me
all me