end of the beginning... or is it the other way?

11:40PM April 26th...only 20 min and technically I will be twenty-two years old. hmmm... I came across a number of thoughts tonight and thought a good way to ring in the rest of my life would be to spend some time with me...I suppose.

Everything that really matters, can't afford to be important.

Because everything that doesn't really matter hogs the spotlight. Its so true. There was a benefit concert tonight for victims of violence and AIDS in Africa. Great causes, amazing organizations. I was asked to say a few words about the situation in Darfur, and I dont mind public speaking, so game on! But I was actually nervous, because when preparing I found myself becoming so passionate about it that my words were a jumble, I was driven by such crazed emotions that I wasn't being helpful, so I had to flush it out and tune it down a bit. It all turned out just fine and everyone got it, but where is the line where passion crosses from being motivational and inspiring to dabilitizing and scary? Just a thought. I dont think I have made up my mind about it yet. but then again, I think we often rush too fast into having all the answers. Sometimes you just need to have a couple things you are not sure about one way or another. You'll live your way into the answer when its time.

But anyway, my original thought was that I had been preparing so much for the concert and the movie the night before and all the publicity because this was really important to me. And the whole time I was preparing I was so bothered that I couldn't do more. I was actually upset that I couldn't tell my professors to give me Incompletes and I would finish it up next semester, but for now I had something to attend to that was bigger than my education, heck, bigger than me. I couldn't do that because I am graduating, and I wouldn't graduate with a transript full of I, I, I, I . A significant portion of our human family is being brutaly exterminated by another portion of our human family, and I have to push that to the back of my mind and heart so I can memorize drugs that synthasize neurotransmitters and all the cases where insanity pleas were reversed.

Everything that really matters can't afford to be important.

And then I am sitting there, and all I can think of is all the chapters I haven't read, and the massive paper I have due in less than a week, and whether or not I can get it all done while maintaining a pseudo-normal sleep pattern. Even when I am there, at an event to save others, I still cannot allow my mind and heart to be fully consumed with compassion and weight because I have to outline my to-do list mentally for the next four hours.

Then I got a headache. No big deal right? But it got me thinking even more. I really wanted to then get home, plug in the christmas lights and take a shower, make some tea and listen to some calm music/nap for a little bit to rest my head. But I felt like a slacker just thinking about that! I had work to do!!! (you have no idea how much self-prodding it took to get myself to take the time to write this!) I thought about the last time I allowed myself to take a long shower, the last time I took a nap, the last time I just sat and breathed without doing anything, the last time I did anything for me, for my soul. I dont even mean in the spiritual sense ( although that could use more quality time too!) I mean that part of you that dances when the perfect chords are played, the part of you that beats a little faster when you see a friend, or slows down when you breathe real deep. Treating your spirit nicely for lack of a better word is a necessary part of life. It is the essence of you afterall. But yet again, everything that really matters can't afford to be important.

We neglect others and we neglect ourselves- because somehow in the scheme of things, we can't afford to give them their deserved weight and attention. Isn't that odd to think that what is most important in our lives is class attendence, gpa's, resumes, papers, studyin' for exams. Exams, peices of paper with text on them. THIS is what is preventing us from caring? From saving? From loving? I guess this is still another one of those things that I haven't figured out yet...

I hope we live our way into the answer soon, because pretty soon there will be a lot less living going on.

Happy Birthday to me... wow.


And just for the record, I am not depressed or upset, as it may read, rather...just disappointed that one of the limitations of humanity is they sorely underestimate their power to change.

And tonight there was a drummer. Jeff. Jeff was beautiful. And no, not in the conventional sense, as a matter of fact, I don't even know the color of his eyes. He actually performed a beautiful canvas of dance...on the drums, yes. He painted the airwaves with his fingertips, elbows, knuckles, millions of different sticks, edges of drums, middles of drums... He closed his eyes and opened mine. He danced with the cymbals. I can't even explain it. It just made me seriously question why the drummer is always in the back - i know its for acoustics, but nonetheless, this was quite the performance.

He looked like he was home.

I wonder what that feels like...