Here or there?

When does it happen? The moment when you stop holding onto your pain. If it happens to slip away for a moment without you knowing, the minute you notice, you grab it right back. There is comfort in the chains (as Jars of Clay so perfectly stated). Comfort, familiarity in suffering. Because what are you letting it go for? What are you getting instead? Neutrality? Well, that doesn't seem fair. Call me an overly feeling artist if you must, but I'd rather live with pain and be living, then live with, well, that's it exactly, nothing really. Then, the void that exists from the start is no longer covered by the pain, and you are left with an even larger emptiness.

Then again, I am speaking out of hurt. A hurt that I am sick of feeling. But I can't quite let it escape either. Because the alternative is not appealing. I at least feel alive now. The alternative places me in a haze of existence. Do I have to enter the haze to get out of it on the other side? or can I just stay here for a while until the fog clears and I can at least see what's on the other side, and then let go, with purpose. Or will I play yo-yo with myself? Sick of the pain I enter the fog, until I am somehow led back to the hurt to relieve the absense in the haze? and then back again...

I just want something worth holding onto again.



muted hues...but My God, they are beautiful